Monday Interview Series: Humpty Dumpty

Hello everyone. I'm here in the hospital, because I've just received some exciting news in the case of Humpty Dumpty. The legendary egg called me and asked me to meet him here, so that he could share what he claims is some extraordinary news. He would not elaborate further, but I will do my best to bring to light all the facts in what promises to be a remarkable press conference.

Greg:  Hi Humpty. I rushed right over like you asked. What's the big news?

Humpty:  Well, thank you for being so prompt my good fellow. Yes indeed, I do have some splendid news. I've been notified that I qualify for a new procedure. It's been in development for quite some time, but has not been fully certified by the FDA, so it is still regarded as experimental.

Greg:  That sounds encouraging, but also a little bit risky.

Humpty:  Yes, well there are risks, but ever since that sad day when I fell off the wall, life has been touch and go. All the king's men--and his horses--were totally useless. I only managed to survive because some quick-thinking passerby got my yolk into a ziplock bag and stuck the whole caboodle into their lunch box which had a cold pack inside. 

After that, the folks at thee hospital constructed this plastic bubble which has been my home for ages. A bit claustrophobic, but much better than the alternative. Anyway, my doctor has advised me that the potential benefits far outweigh the risks involved.

Greg:  I see. Well when you put it like that, I have to agree. What is this exciting new procedure?

Humpty:  It's called a shell transplant.

Greg:  Shell transplant? You mean, like an organ transplant?

Humpty:  Well, yes and no. The shell is not natural. It was grown in a lab in two halves. As I understand it, they will put all my internal parts--my white and my yolk--into the bottom half of the shell. Then, they'll place the pointier half on top. A team of surgeons will then fuse the two halves together using lasers, which will form a bond that should hold everything together for good.

Greg:  I see. Well, it certainly is amazing what science can accomplish nowadays.

Humpty:  It certainly is. This shell comes with a whole bunch of features, too. They're not covered by my HMO, but I decided to splurge.

Greg: What sort of extras?

Humpty:  Let's see. There's wi-fi, satellite TV and radio, and a built-in GPS. On the practical side, there's a shell stress detector which sounds a warning if any part of my exterior is in danger of cracking, a self-contained lifting device for getting out of my carton in the morning, and an IHB.

Greg:  I'm sorry, IHB?

Humpty:  Instant Hard Boiler. If I am ever in danger of falling off a wall, the IHB will deploy, and I'll be hard boiled before I hit the ground. This should avoid thee near tragedy of last time. All I would have to do is get another transplant.

Greg:  I don't know if you should be going near any more walls after this. Well, I see the doctors are heading this way with a gurney, so best of luck, and I'll see you in the recovery room.

Humpty:  Thank you. I'm afraid I won't be able to stay away from walls, though. I love them, feeling the wind in my face as I sit on one. As a matter of fact, as soon as I get out of the hospital, I'm going to visit the Great Wall. I've always wanted to go there. It should be very exhilarating sitting on that!