Monday Interview Series: Jack, But Not the Beanstalk

Today, I'm talking to someone who's really getting up in the world. He's a small-time farmer who wound up making the deal of the century, although his dreams nearly came crashing down. i'm talking of course about Jack of Jack & the Beanstalk fame. Let's see what this social climber has to say.

Greg:  Welcome, Jack. Nice of you to drop in. How is everything?

Jack:  Oh fair t' middlin', fair t' middlin', squire. Nice t' see ya.

Greg:  I understand you've had some exciting times recently. I was hoping you could tell us a little bit about what's been going on.

Jack:  Goin' on? What're you on about? There ain't been nothin' goin' on, squire.

Greg:  Oh, really? I'm terribly sorry, but I was led to believe that you had some exciting times that led you a sudden rise in your fortunes recently. I just wanted to congratulate you and see if you could elaborate a little for the benefit of our readers.

Jack:  Oh aye? Well if that's all ya want t' know, I think I can oblige. Although, I'm not sure that you're goin' t' believe it.

Greg:  My, that sounds intriguing. What wouldn't we believe?

Jack:  Well, I'll tell you. You see, me and me mum used t' live in this rundown old farmhouse on land what was pretty much played out, if you take my meanin'. The only thing on the place that was the least bit productive was our old cow.

She were a bonny old thing. I'm talking' 'bout the cow, mind. Mum were a little scary. Any road, one day the old bag o' bones--that's the cow, not mum--stopped givin' milk. Well, mum up an' tells me t' take her down t' the market--the cow, not her--an' sell her so's we can have a little bit o' cash t' tide us over.

Greg:  Well, I suppose that's reasonable. Get rid of an asset that's goin' south and cash in on it while you can. She's not a banker by any chance is she?

Jack:  Nay, though I daresay we'd a been better off if she were. So, what could I do but take ol' bossy--that's the cow--into market to sell her. Only thing is, I didn't make it into town. See, what happened was, some ol' bloke I met on the road made an offer before I even got there. He offered me--are you ready for this--he offered me a handful o' beans.

Greg:  Beans? That doesn't sound like a fair trade.

Jack:  Ah, but this is where things get interestin'. He says they ain't just any beans, they's magic beans. Well, what could I do? I mean, how many times does a lad get offered magic beans in a trade, I ask ya? Well, I ain't no fool. I took 'em before he had a chance t' change his mind. Handed the cow right over quick as ya please, and was off home.

Greg:  Really, you took the beans?

Jack:  Right you are, squire. Well, you an' me mum must have the same closed mind, because she took one look at them beans an' flung 'em out the window. I never, perfectly good magic beans an' all. Vooom, right out the window. She gave me a right good toungue-lashin', too.

Well, we went t' sleep an' guess what? overnight, them beans grew. They grew real tall. When I woke up t' feed the hens, a huge beanstalk had grown all the way up into the sky.

Greg:  Well, what did you do?

Jack:  I did the only thing a bloke could do. I clumb up the blinkin' stalk. And when I got up t' the top, I found this house. A giant lived there. He were bent on eatin' me, but I managed t' pinch his purse. When I got it home, mum weren't half as cross with me as she was before.

We lived the high life for a while. But then, the treasury run dry, and mum, she tells me t' climb up and get some more loot. Now, I was all for gettin' rid of that beanstalk. I mean, it was hard t' explain it t' the neighbors and all, much less how we got all that gold. All I heard day in and day out was "Where'd that beanstalk come from, Jack?" or "what'd ya do, rob a Miracle Grow factory, Jack?". 

Then, we got that notice t' remove the stalk from the zonin' commission. Anyway, I hoofed it up the stalk again. I did have me eye on one thing. I'd noticed that the giant had this special chicken what laid gold eggs. I mean, solid gold.

Greg:  Gold eggs, are you serious?

Jack:  Course I'm serious, mate. Real live solid gold eggs. So, i clumb up again, and luckily the giant was out pillaging or whatnot. So, I grabbed the bird--the chicken, not me mum--and hoofed it toward the beanstalk. 

Well, I was nearly there when the giant catches sight o' me. now, he's a good ways away, so I thought I was home and dry, but what I forgot was, giants take giant steps. So he was on me like a shot. I fairly slid down that beanstalk, with the giant comin' hot on m' heels.

When I got t' the bottom, I yelled for the ax. Me mum wanted t' know what for. I pointed t' the giant comin' down, and she hoofed it right quick. I chopped down the beanstalk and the giant came down crash in m' field, dead as a doornail.

Greg:  Wow, that was a close call. So, after that I suppose your troubles were over. 

Jack:  Don't you believe it, squire. They was just beginnin'. I mean, what was I goin' t' do with a blinkin' great dead giant? You thought the neighbors was askin' questions before? They were nothin' like the questions I'm gettin' now. "Hey Jack, what ya gonna do with that dead giant, eh? He's startin' t' turn!". What am I s'posed t' do? And Zonin', don't let's even start t' talk about them. They won't let me alone. I mean, no amount o' treasure is worth this.

Greg:  Yes, well, I'm sure you'll geet it all sorted out in short order. Thanks for stopping by.

Jack:  Sorted out? If I ever get me hands on the bloke that sold me them beans, I'll sort him out, I can tell you. "All your troubles'll be over" he says. Ha!