Between the Lines: Tarzan of the Apes

This week's interview is with everybody's favorite swinger, Tarzan the Ape Man. Due to his aversion to "civilization," we had to journey to darkest Africa to get some face time with the Lord of the Jungle.



Greg:  Hello, thanks for inviting us, Tarzan. Nice jungle you've got here.

Tarzan:  Thank you. Sorry, we didn't have time to clean up much. We didn't expect you so soon. The vines need trimming and we haven't emptied Cheetah's litter box in a week. I'm so embarrassed.

Greg:  No worries. We came by jet, much better than those long ocean voyages. Anyway, tell us a little bit about your childhood.

Tarzan:  Not much to tell. Can't remember very much. I was only a baby when my parents and I were marooned here. Mother died soon after. My father was killed by Kerchak, leader of the Mangani ape tribe. The tribe adopted me, or rather Kala, my ape mother did.

Greg:  Fascinating. How did you, a human, manage to survive among the apes?

Tarzan:  They took care of me. Kala raised me. I learned much; ape ways and ape speech. I learned to climb, swing from vines like an ape. I grew strong, fought many in the jungle. I learned to speak with apes, monkeys, elephants, lions, tigers, cheetahs, many animals in the jungle.

Greg:  You're remarkably well spoken for someone raised by apes.

Tarzan:  I learn man speech from humans who come to the jungle, and I've been to big man cities, to civilization. Many strange things I saw there, and many languages I learned. I did not like it. Smelly, dirty places. Crowded, polluted. All animals slaves there, and many people, too.

I wanted to leave, but Jane wanted me to stay. It was her home. I wanted her to be happy, but I was not happy, and that made Jane unhappy. In civilization, no one is happy. Tarzan left, and Jane agreed to go, too.

Greg:  How did you meet Jane?

Tarzan:  A group of humans was marooned on same spot as I was. What are the odds? Jane and her father were in that group. I met Jane, showed her the jungle. She liked the jungle, liked me, too, but her father wanted to go back, so she went.

I decided to leave, too, to find her. I loved Jane, did not want to let her go. I traveled up through Africa, into India. Met Mowgli--nice boy. There is a book about him and his life in the jungle--I forget the name. He got me on an English ship. Sailed to England. Good thing Jane did not go back to America, but went to England. Swim to America is long, they say.

I found Jane--looked her up in the phone book. Ha, ha, that's a joke. I made friends with the crew. They said to go to the Explorers Society, they probably went there. Guess what? They did! Lots of coincidences in my life!

After I found Jane, she and I lived in London, got married. I tried to live civilized to make Jane happy, but it didn't work out. Finally, Jane said that she wanted to go back to Africa, to my home. That made me happy, which made Jane happy. Everybody was happy.

Greg:  So, you didn't like civilization. Can't say that I blame you. How did Jane adjust to living in the wild?

Tarzan:  Jane did well. She's strong. She likes living in the trees and swinging on vines. I built a tree house for her. She keeps it clean, makes it a good home. I bring her things to cook, wildebeests, gazelle, and Jane's favorite--warthog.

Jane also likes to ride elephants, swim, climb, everything that I like to do. She's good fun. Our son likes to do these things, too.

Greg:  Is it true that you call him Boy?

Tarzan:  Ha, ha, that's funny. You're telling me a joke, right?

Greg:  Uh, no, in the films I've seen, you call your son Boy.

Tarzan:  That's not true! It's the silliest thing I've heard. My son is not named Boy, his name is Jack. He makes me proud. He's a good boy.

Greg:  Sorry, I guess you can't believe everything you hear. Well, thank you for taking the time to sit and talk with us a bit. Give my best to Jane and Boy, er, Jack.

Tarzan:  Sure thing. Come again soon. Next time, take a boat, and I'll be sure to kill you a water buffalo. We'll have a big party. Maybe Jack will come instead of staying out all night swinging with his ape buddies. Kids these days, everyone is getting so civilized.